Written by Deafo
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Topics: Sex, Christmas, Turkey

Friday, 23 December 2011

The increase in the price of this year's Christmas dinner is expected to result in a sharp rise in the number of instances of illegal cross-border turkey trafficking, according to animal rights groups.

The Office of National Statistics (ONS) reports the cost of gorging sinfully in the name of Christianity has risen by 7.5% compared with 12 months ago, leading the criminal fraternity to turn their wayward hands to treating turkeys with a modicum of the contempt issued to them by farmers.

Spokeswoman for one animal rights group, Maggie March, confirmed the groups fears that an excess of turkeys on the open market may see some of the birds sold into the sex trade in time for the Christmas rush.

She told reporters, 'These findings, from whatever perspective you obscure them are a sure-fire sign that innocent turkeys who would otherwise have made their way onto the heaving plates of millions, are now likely to be re-constituted in a manner that would have Bernard Matthews cooing his enthusiasm, namely, into the sex trade, as objects of festive human impulse.'

'We urge members of the public to report any kerb-side approaches from birds sporting giblets in the least desirable of places, such as Essex, to dial 999 immediately.'

Ms March went on to warn of the perils of casual sexual encounters over the Christmas period, particularly with those birds who maintain an active sex life.

'Turkeys are prodigiously promiscuous, and even what was intended as a one-off lunch time tryst, frequently sees them to hang around well into Boxing day.'

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