Written by Joe Leff
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Thursday, 22 December 2011

image for Merseyside: croissant thief on the rampage

Police have finally arrested a man with a minor speech impediment after a series of robberies at bakers' shops.

During the last few weeks, the man had robbed nearly all the bakeries in Liverpool, each time using the same disguise. According to the bakery assistants, he wore a French beret, and flashed a business card claiming he was the Chief Commissioner of Croissants in Paris.
He then pointed at the croissants, ordering the assistants to put them all in his bag. A police spokesman said he would then off-load them in the river.

Apparently the man viciously hates croissants - ever since he nearly choked on one. He wanted to rid the place of them so that he - or anyone else - doesn't come across them anymore. As he revealed to Merseyside Radio: "I can't stand the things. And what's more, I don't know how to pronounce them - and that really infuriates me. All me mates round 'ere agree with me. So I told them I'd get rid of the c-c-c-----ts."

"We think he's brilliant," said Liverpudlian John Bashup. "It's about time Merseyside was croissant-free. They've been causing havoc for years."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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