Newspaper bosses were left shocked today when absolutely no news occurred anywhere in the world. It is believed to be the least newsworthy day since the 12th of April 2811 BC, which saw just a single news report - a Stonehenge builder accidentally dropping a monolith on his toe.
Today's Sun newspaper consisted of 48 blank pages, while its twelve-page pull-out sports section was similarly empty - save for a one by two inch ad for foot cream. It was the same story for all other newspapers, though the Guardian managed one report - a cat stuck up a tree in Peterborough, though they were later forced to admit they made it up.
The BBC planned to replace its evening news report with a documentary about British canals, but were left red-faced after mistakenly playing a pornographic film that was intended for the staff's Christmas party.