Despite having considerably less to do than ever before, Harriet Harman has rather breathlessly published her now annual Early Winter Warning to Britons, reminding them that what seems like a melodic tribute to the slyly called 'Festive Season', is in fact a manipulative propaganda effort to 'white' wash everything to which the elites and vested interests would have an unsuspecting, heedless and often quite drunken great British public fall prey.
"This year we face a triple whammy at the deceptive zenith of this Christi-centric imposition! Not only will we have faced weeks of attempted capitalist seductions on the high street, not only will the rainbow of this country be either dozy under the antibiotic ridden stupor of factory farmed heat and serve turkey dinners, or so marginalized they haven't the strength or spirit to march in protest, but additionally that night there's yet another go at Downton Abbey, a glorification of subservience, class, hegemony, patriarchy, misogyny and good vocabularies. The whole affair is oppressive enough, but that program, well, it really violates human rights in my book.'
To save the nation, Harman reminds us all that among the most menacing threats to free thought are Christmas Carols. This year's top offenders include:
'Deck the Halls': 'While at first glance this would seem to support eco-friendly symbols, in fact there is no confirmation the holly in question is grown sustainably or within the accepted norms of a fair trade economic model. Additional concerns about the imposition of the need for jolliness, which is offensive to those who may prioritize depression in their day to day choices. Also checking for possible homophobic intent.'
'O Come all Ye Faithful': One need only ask: where does this leave atheists, agnostics and followers of Gaia? An artless attempt to divide and conquer.
'Angels from the Realms of Glory': doublespeak 'celebrating' the shameful imperialist past of this multicultural future republic.
'Coventry Carol': What's so special about Coventry? In my riding lie Camberwell, Peckham and Nunhead. Each every bit as special as Coventry. I categorically reject this exclusion.
'Good King Wenceslas': Again with the bloody monarchy. An obvious attempt to bolster the penultimate symbol of class and division in modern Britain, particularly following the conventional traditions that characterized the most recent Royal partnership and the mercenary 'Diamond' jubilee. No one can afford diamonds when it's cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.'
'I would only point out there are no Carols from other organized deity-focused belief systems. Need I then say more?' Except to say, of course, brothers and sisters, we did not fight the war for this!" declared Harman. "Though we shouldn't have fought the war, obviously, as Joni Mitchell rightly sang out. But since we did it must be made clear, we did not fight the war for this! I wish you all an affirming experience of personal meaning, at this time of year and all times of year, consistent with the values and priorities that are most symbolic and collective in your individual or connection-based multi-person circle of unity."