In a surprise move that surprised nobody, the Prime Minister has confirmed that George Osborne is to be split into two. The move is expected to significantly strengthen the UK's economic fortunes, while also confirming once and for all whether the Chancellor really does have a brain.
The government has not yet revealed whether Mr Osborne, Gideon to his enemies, will be cut lengthways or sideways, but it is expected that it will be sideways so that the empty cavity inside his head can be fully revealed.
"It's been clear for a while that something had to be done," said Dave Cameron, Prime Minister and Comet Vacuum Salesman of the Year 1987. "George was getting far too big for his head and there was a risk that it might explode."
While one half of Mr Osborne is expected to remain as Chancellor, it is not yet clear what will happen to the other half. One MP suggested it could be appointed Steward of the Chiltern Hundreds, a far more responsible position.
"I think that this action on the part government is frankly too little, too late," said Ed Balls-Up, Shadow Chancellor and Lord High Pudding Face. "Really the Chancellor should be hung, drawn and quartered, then tarred and feathered just for good measure. All this will do is to prolong the agony of those who have to look at his ugly mug, with even half of it being hugely offensive."
The move follows a series of recent government initiatives, which saw Vince Cable emasculated and Nick Clegg castrated, while Dr Liam Fox was pegged out and left to the crows. Mr Cameron refused to comment on reports that Theresa May, the Home Secretary, will soon be replaced by a sheep.