Oldham Hall, Gloucestershire, England. - The last of a dying breed of great British eccentrics held their annual Christmas get together here on Saturday night. The guest list read like a who's who of traditional crackpots, foul mouthed harridans, psychopathic ex-army officers, shotgun toting landowners, madmen, demented musicians, insane scientists, woolly headed astronomers, sexual deviants and religious extremists.
Brigadier Kenneth Kestrel-Falconer DSO, entertained guests at the Steinway grand piano in the ballroom, tinkling out Beethoven sonatas on the ivories. accompanied by rhythmic farting by Lady Fanny Walpurgis, who had been at the bottled Guinness again.
"Bah, humbug!" boomed mad professor Oliver Prendergast, as his old chum, 'Speccy' Bight-Fanshawe attempted to convince him that Creationism is the new religion. "Utter tosh! You've become a buffoon sir!"
"The man's a cunt," Bight-Fanshawe remarked as he attempted to slide a discreet hand up Lady Grassmere's prolific Stella McCartney skirts.
The catering was supplied by Heston Blumenthal's third cousin, Maurice Vanderjerrybilt, and consisted of some rather bizarre items, including poached catseyes on cocktail sticks, a consommé of mushy peas infused with glacé cherries and pomegranate seeds, slow roasted badger, deep fried cormorant wings, and char-grilled vole cutlets.
The catering was not popular. Indeed, the day was only saved by an SOS call to a Jamaican restaurant in Tewkesbury, whose proprietors agreed to provide a big pot of goat curry at short notice.
Upstairs in the long gallery, Lady Denise Hobley hosted a meeting of the twenty or so strong Voyeurs Society, who didn't say much, but merely sat observing one another for what seemed to be an interminable period.
In the dungeons beneath the hall, Jonty Crowley presided over a Blazing Hell Club meeting, during which various plots for global domination were discussed, before entertainment was provided with pole dancing by a pair of busty former reality TV show contestants, followed by an orgy, with a delegation of adult film starlets flown in especially from Prague.
A good time was reportedly had by all, with the possible exception of two of the adult film starlets who vanished into thin air at some point. Rumours that the dog pack were let out in the night were hotly denied by Lord Chief Justice Hereward Twofore, who admitted that he was 'very drunk' but emphatically denied allegations of ritual sacrifices and cannibalism.
"Bah, humbug!" he told reporters. "Absolute bloody humbug, tommyrot, and fal-de-ral-dee-ree. They're all bloody barking if you ask me!"
The party came to an end at around 9am on Sunday, as guests staggered across the gravel driveway to an array of chauffeur driven vehicles.
One guest, asked if she had enjoyed herself, guffawed:
"I don't know! Can't for the life of me remember. But I've got my knickers in my blazer pocket, so it can't have been a total washout!"
More as we get it.