Written by Joe Leff
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Saturday, 17 December 2011

A flurry of sneezes is expected to travel east over Wales and give Londoners their first big sneeze of winter. Severe colds and flu are likely to be widespread. Temperatures should be checked regularly for signs of pneumonia.

The worst of the sneezes should be over by the weekend, but watch out for heavy snot over Essex. Much of the Midlands and East Anglia might be in for a few blasts of cough weather.

Further north, around Newcastle, there's an increased likelihood of cold fronts for those who still only wear thin T-shirts when they go out.

Forecasters have also issued a health alert over revellers' southern regions, which could well be dripping wet over the festive season - so don't drink too much.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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