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Thursday, 15 December 2011

Ministers say problem families are costing the state billions of pounds. David Cameron has announced a £448 trillion plan to identify and get help to the most troubled families in England.

A network of "troubleshooters" will be given responsibility for finding and organising help for families facing multiple challenges such as getting out of bed in the mornings, getting dressed properly, running out of special brew and sofa-sores.

The government wants to turn around the lives of 500,000 families by 2050.The prime minister made the pledge in the aftermath of this summer's riots across England. "The whole world was watching the riots, and quite frankly it gave the impression that the British wander around the streets in their underclothes; there were shell-suits everywhere. We are determined that during the next riots we will see people wearing suits and ties; like the bankers do when they rob the country. We are British for goodness sake! And another thing, if we subsidise the price of a tin of special brew these people would not make it off their DFS sofas - so they simply could not riot. Do you know how much that stuff costs? Before the New Year we will cut the duty on a crate of all high strength lager to 0%.

Mr Cameron has announced funding for a group of troubleshooters, to be hired by councils and who will report progress to Paul Gascoigne, the newly appointed head of the Troubled Initiative Team (TIT). A government spokesman said, "We need somebody that these families can relate to, Gazza has set a fine example to these families over the years. Trouble shooters already hired are; Gok Wan - Stylist, Shane McGowan - Refreshments, Johnny Vegas - Speach Therapy and a salesman from Sofa-World in Luton - Potato Consultant.

The money for the initiative is being taken from other government budgets over a 40-year period; for example, teacher's pensions and nurses pay rises and NHS funding. Making the case for the initiative, Mr Cameron cited the case of a family blighted by problems whose behavior was "transformed" after a mother acknowledged the scale of her difficulties and was able to get dedicated support. "I ain't paying out for food, books, school uniforms and other fancy stuff when I only have enough dole money for essentials like Sky TV, lager an fags. Do you fink I'am fick or summit?" she complained indignantly. "She now has a personal assistant who will cook, clean and replenish the bar in the corner of the lounge. That is what we can do for the people of Britain today",said Mr Cameron.

A TIT spokesman said "When the front door opens and the worker goes in, they will see the family as a whole (sat in front of the TV) and get a plan of action together, agreed with the family. This will often be basic, practical things that are the building blocks of any family home and a contented life. We may put a social worker in place to light their fags and run down the off-license for them, or we may send in Gok to give the whole family a make over. It just depends on the families individual needs really".

George Osbourne said, "All they want is a TV, a sofa, an unlimited supply of beer and a new pair of trainers every month. Surely government money is best spent supplying these things rather than replacing burnt out town centres every few month".

A delighted Gazza said,"Am well chuffed me. Canna play footy no more so I needs a job like. Me and me mate twenty-bellies is gonna get pissed-up to celebrate tonight!"

A spokesman for DFS was unavailable for comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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