London - Plans drawn up for Queen Elizabeth include being turned into a 5-carat diamond in a high-tech process that recycles crematorium ashes into full-on bling.
The rock could then be set in some new Crown Jewellery in a bold move replacing all that 'highly realistic' cubic zirconia that currently adorns ceremonial headgear.
Alternatively the sparkler could be cut down to provide diamond chips for the royal corgis' collars; however protocol dictates that all the mutts follow their owner into the Crem's toasters 'to avoid complications in the afterlife'.
Announcing the Jubilee plan a Government spokesperson said today that the creation of such a synthetic diamond from the podgy-arsed octogenarian 15-stone monarch could prove popular.
"It wouldn't necessarily replace all the fakes in the Tower of London, though," Culture Secretary Jeremy *unt said today.
"You'd have to exhume and 'cook-chill' the Old Queen Mum, Princess Margaret, Earl Mountbatten of Burma, Ronnie and Reggie Kray, Roberto 'God's Banker' Calvi, Robert Maxwell - etc, etc etc - just to put a new knob on the 1661 Sceptre with the Cross."
The magnificent 22-carat gold ceremonial stick used to be topped by the Cullinan I - also known as the Great Star of Africa - until former UK Prime Monster Harold Wilson flogged it off to pay off the Labour Party's trade union backers 'for services rendered'.
Golders Green Crematorium remains on stand-by.