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Wednesday, 14 December 2011

image for Queen's trip to Golders Green Crematorium as part of Diamond Jubilee tour
Protocol dictates all the corgis follow HM into the Crem's toaster to avoid complications in the afterlife

London - Plans drawn up for Queen Elizabeth include being turned into a 5-carat diamond in a high-tech process that recycles crematorium ashes into full-on bling.

The rock could then be set in some new Crown Jewellery in a bold move replacing all that 'highly realistic' cubic zirconia that currently adorns ceremonial headgear.

Alternatively the sparkler could be cut down to provide diamond chips for the royal corgis' collars; however protocol dictates that all the mutts follow their owner into the Crem's toasters 'to avoid complications in the afterlife'.

Announcing the Jubilee plan a Government spokesperson said today that the creation of such a synthetic diamond from the podgy-arsed octogenarian 15-stone monarch could prove popular.

"It wouldn't necessarily replace all the fakes in the Tower of London, though," Culture Secretary Jeremy *unt said today.

"You'd have to exhume and 'cook-chill' the Old Queen Mum, Princess Margaret, Earl Mountbatten of Burma, Ronnie and Reggie Kray, Roberto 'God's Banker' Calvi, Robert Maxwell - etc, etc etc - just to put a new knob on the 1661 Sceptre with the Cross."

The magnificent 22-carat gold ceremonial stick used to be topped by the Cullinan I - also known as the Great Star of Africa - until former UK Prime Monster Harold Wilson flogged it off to pay off the Labour Party's trade union backers 'for services rendered'.

Golders Green Crematorium remains on stand-by.

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