Keen to avoid upsetting Muslim or disabled students, authorities at Cambridge University have warned their academics against automatically shaking hands.
They fear the traditional western greeting may cause offence to Muslim women and people with some disabilities.
"Dons should read the situation properly and bear in mind that not all people will want to shake hands," says the advice.
A source at the university says academics are also advised to avoid French kissing, fondling and goosing.
Herodotus Chair of History at Hounslow University Ken Lucid called the advice 'stupid.'
"Who on earth do these idiots think they are, for crying out loud?" Said the professor.
"I've got a few of mates up there at Cambridge and they're all capable of recognising that if a hand isn't offered, it can't be shaken!
"Tell you what kind of greeting someone would get if they started telling me how to greet people round here - they'd get a right twatting with a leather-bound edition of Macaulay, that's what!"