Written by Inchcock
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Sunday, 11 December 2011

image for Nottingham Pensioner Injured by Christmas Shoppers!
Caution: Christmas Shoppers

A Nottingham Pensioner, Inchcock Chambers (65) has been injured in the Victoria Shopping centre, whilst struggling to walk through (he had no money for any purchases) the shopping mall, amidst the packed early Christmas shopping crowds.

Medical attention was called for, but no one arrived on the scene.

Not being so nimble on his feet, he had to fight his way through the milling crowd of mobile-phone, ipod using youngsters and women, Big Issue sellers, Hoodies, and a few hundred brawling, swearing, threatening energetic kids, and some distracted, frustrated parents.

In his own uneducated, locally accrued words:

"It wur 'ell for mi! Bloody Christmus, Bah Humbug to um all! I 'ad tu fight through faousands on um, all spendin' money un gerring fings for Christmus."

At this point he passed wind, he then continued;

"Wif me Arfritis un dodgy ticka, I wus strugglin' to get through um. Had two o' me corns trod on, nearleh got knocked over twice, had me titfer knocked off, got ran into by a mobility scoota, 'ad one o' mi Impetigo scabs knocked off… blood all over place, un then just wen I fought I'd got frough t' uffur end like, a shoplifter ran out o' shop, chased by sum policemen, and they knocked me bag art o' mi hand! Broke mi bloody heart it did, mi bottle of mefs got broke!"

The police have prosecuted Mr Chambers for having open alcohol in a public place, and obstructing the police in the execution of their duty.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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