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Saturday, 10 December 2011

image for Danny Alexander to Change Middle Name by Deed Poll

Chief Secretary of the Treasury, Danny Alexander, has today confirmed that he has been asked to officially change his middle name from "Grain" to the more commonly used "Fucking".

"It's true," said Alexander himself, whilst straightening George Osborne's tie and shining his shoes, "it just seemed to make things easier around here. Quite often, I'd be sitting in my office, quietly beavering away like a petty minded little shitbag, only to find that a breathless civil servant would appear, apparently having been despatched to 'fetch Danny Fucking Alexander at once.'"

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, concurs.

"We have to all know what and who we're talking about."

"George and I often need a grasping, ambitious, hypocritical little twunt who is only to happy to deliver a patronising government statement to the effect that anyone who isn't rich should shut up and put up."

"We far too fucking rich and obnoxious to pull that shit ourselves, clearly."

"We look at each each other and like, 'Hey Presto! It's obvious! Send Danny Fucking Alexander!'"

"That's if we don't need him to go down the shop to get us crisps and a can of Tango, of course."

Senior Liberal Democrats and Coalition partners fully support the move, dispelling rumours of deep rifts in the coalition.

"It is important we have the tools at hand to answer the questions that the party faithful have for us," said Lord Steel.

"For example 'Just what kind of appalling little cunt are we letting in the party now?'"

"The answer, as we can now clearly state, is 'Danny Fucking Alexander'."

Members of the public have expressed some satisfaction that, despite otherwise dropping bollocks right left and centre, the government have cleared up this issue once and for all.

"Frankly, it's once less thing to worry about," said Vanessa Pledge, a nurse. "I have been wondering for a while who the greasy little self satisfied prick was who kept turning up on television and telling me I was overpaid and selfish, and should be glad I only had to take a pay cut and not be sacked outright."

"Now I know that's Danny Fucking Alexander, I can concentrate on other things"

"Such as the fact that I appear to be fucked."

Eddie Mair of the authoritative PM show on Radio 4 adds the final seal of approval to the popular move.

"It will help enormously." he says. "Often, we need to contact our production team with the following message:"

"Team, what we need for tonight's show is a talented, popular and gifted politician. One with charisma and the common touch yes, but also an intellectual heavyweight with authority, breadth of knowledge, and the ability to look out of his or her own narrow, self serving interests and connect with our audience."

"Can you tell me why, then, for the love of Christ have you appear to have sent us Danny Fucking Alexander?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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