Written by Joe Leff
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Topics: Kissing, Glasgow

Friday, 9 December 2011

A lodger wanted in connection with an assault on his landlord was arrested yesterday.

For several years 51-year-old Hugh Yewlukinat had been living in lodgings in the Glasgow district. According to sauces left on the kitchen table, he'd recently started kissing his landladies - most of whom did not object at first. But when he progressed to 'French kissing', his last landlady kicked him out. "With lips like that," she shouted, "you're a right pucker."

Mr Yewlukinat then rented a room at Nigel Comely's house. But then Mr Yewlukinat started kissing Nigel, who rebuffed his advances. So Mr Yewlukinat gave him a special 'Glasgow kiss'.

With his broken nose and most of his teeth smashed, the victim was unable to speak for two weeks. But last Thursday he managed to give a lisping description of his 'kissing' attacker.

Police are hoping that this latest incident does not trigger a revival of more Glasgow kissing - which had devastating consequences in 2005 at the Rangers vs Celtic match. A sequence of 'Glasgow kisses' turned into a Mexican wave and thousands of spectators were injured.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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