Tossco, Britain's biggest and dearest Supermarket chain (after Wotrose) has suffered a fall in its UK sales for the fourth consecutive quarter, despite a £500 million discounting campaign. The latter produced fantastic discounts averaging as much as 1p off of all non-essential items while essential weekly items went up on average, by 15%-20% to pay for the reductions! As a result thousands of otherwise loyal or simply brain dead customers have been defecting to both LIDL and Aldi, both German run and both hated by Tossco due to their much lower prices and 20% increase in quarterly sales!!
Staff at many Tossco stores have reported hearing gunshots emanating from various store offices as more and more managers and team leaders commit suicide rather than wait for mandatory removal by HQ brass for failing to reach weekly sales targets!
In a vain attempt to discover the 'miracle' German formula some more enterprising managers, those with at least three brain cells, have ventured into assorted LIDL and Aldi supermarkets disguised as mystery shoppers. This has involved dressing up as middle aged matrons, complete with elastic stockings and headscarf. At time of reporting we learn that some managers have even taken a liking to dressing up in women's clothing and formed inter-store 'Trannie' clubs.
Meanwhile, our enterprising German friends are not fooled by these underhanded tactics and have employed extra security to 'pat down' any ugly women wearing a headscarf who they suspect of being the enemy.
A spokesman for LIDL, Manfred Von Doodlebugz told our reporter;"Ve are not fools, you English may vell haf beaten ze crap outta us in ze last skirmish but ve haf learned zer lezzens und vill crush zer Tossco into ze ground, Ja!"
Seemingly, other major chains are making contingency plans should the German supermarkets gain a stronger foothold during 2012 and advance further across the UK.
Senior management representing Mollison, Adsa, and Stainsburys have been locked in a dark room since getting their last quarter figures. A leaked source told our reporter that they are considering forming an alliance in order to beat the filthy Hun at their own game but at the present time everything is very hush hush and in the dark due to a shortage of old style 100watt bulbs.
When approached for their comment concerning the rise of the German Supermarkets a spokesthing for the Co-op said: "At this stage we are not too worried about it and besides which, we close half day on a Wednesday."