Written by Skoob1999
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Thursday, 8 December 2011

image for Big Hat Sale To Open Early
That's Not A Hat!

It's just been revealed, that the annual Titchfield Carnival Big Hat Sale has been brought forward from the new year, and will now officially commence on Saturday, December 10th. Which is at least three weeks before the usual start date.

"Well, it's me birthday innit..." said Big Hat Show Promoter, Martin Shuttlecock. "And I decided to offer toppers, Panamas, trilbies, bob caps, baseball hats, pork pie hats, hats with lights, straw boaters, bowlers, military hats, bobby's helmets, crash helmets, deep sea diving helmets, them fucking daft Swedish things with ear flaps, party hats, swimming hats, leather flying helmets, and hats with spikes on top, basically because I need a bit of extra wedge for Christmas. On account of having a big family. And that."

A chirpy Shuttlecock went on to explain that he expects to break all sales records this year, a surmisation which he attributes to his understanding of global markets, and his unerring business nous.

"I reckon I'll clear at least twelve pound fifty," Shuttlecock said.

"Oh for crying out loud," long suffering wife, Anne sighed. "The daft bastard's talking in his sleep again. Next thing you know, he'll be scrambling up the fucking bedroom wall as he tries to flee a pyroplastic cloud, screaming his stupid head off, dreaming he's running away from Vesuvius. Or some other bloody volcano. I honestly have no idea why I ever married the daft bastard. He's been a pain in the tits from day one."

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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