Written by Katarina Frogpond2
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Wednesday, 7 December 2011

image for Delia Smith's Roast Guinea Pig Recipe Set To Be A Christmas Book Hit
Oh No. Its a Honey Glazed Guinea Pig

A Friend of Delia Smith's has leaked a secret from the super chef's new book that is set to shock the world.

That secret is a recipe for Roast Guinea Pig. Delia is said to think that this recipe will revolutionise Christmas dinners forever, and a spokesman for her Christmas book publicity machine said, "Everyone is going to be cooking their Guinea Pig after they've seen this recipe"

Delia is very busy at the moment because she is the Queen of Christmas, and it is traditional for Delia to dictate what everyone has for Christmas dinner. Even The Queen has Christmas dinner the Delia way. But onlookers are worried that this particular delicacy will not catch on because guinea-pigs look suspiciously like rats when cooked.

Her Agent is said to have broached the subject with her when Delia accepted the invitation to Christmas dinner at the Palace only last week. He asked her "Are you really going to cook the Queen a rat on a plate"

"Yes." She said, "and she'll eat it, too. And so will everyone else, because I am the most powerful Christmas cook in the entire world. If I told everyone to eat pooh, they totally would. They'd just eat it"

Upon hearing all of this, Delia's agent promptly phoned the local psychiatrist because it became apparent that Delia was suffering from Seasonal Christmas Power Delusion Syndrome.

Its a very sad syndrome in which sufferers become convinced that they are wonderful just because they can cook a Christmas dinner. Early symptoms include mild experimentation with herbs and spices, and different varieties of stuffing. But Advanced stages of this disease manifest themselves in the suffer believing that Christmas guests will eat whatever is put in front of them... even if its silly.

It happened to Tony Blair two years ago when he decided to cook a Panda, and it happened to Heston Blumenthal when he decided that Whole Oranges would taste nice in Christmas Pudding.

Delia has tonight made an apology to the whole of the guinea pig population of Great Britain. But it appears it may already be too late, thousands of guinea pigs have begun disappearing from cages all over Britain.

Oh Delia. What have you started?

By Katarina Frogpond

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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