Jeremy Clarkson has been shot by the Chinese Army within minutes of landing in Beijing today.
A Communist Party official said, "This was a necessary pre-emptive strike; he has threatened to have socialists shoot in his own country. We were afraid that he was coming over here to commit some sort of atrocity against the highest profile socialist country in the world; we were convinced that he would do anything to try and get people to watch his mindlessly banal car programme. Clearly he was a desperate man."
The shooting comes after the blundering Top Gear host infuriated millions of public sector workers with his comments; the PM yet again exposed his inability to judge the mood of the nation by refusing to condemn him. "Look he was just being Clarkson; a right mouthy knob, that's all; nothing more, nothing less. That's why I hung around with him. When you are going out on the lash with a crowd of mates its more fun if you have got somebody a bit leery with you; you know liven it up a bit. Not only that people always go for the big bloke when it all kicks off; so he gave the give the others a chance to leg it".
As unions demanded Clarkson be fired from his £1million BBC job, Mr Cameron went on to say, "It was obviously a silly thing to say and I am sure he didn't mean it. However, he has given us an idea on how we could solve this public sector pension issue quite rapidly and cheaply."
The Prime Minister's spokesman said: "Execution is not government policy; so there are plans to make it government policy by rushing through a bill before anybody notices. We hope to sneak it through just before Christmas".
David Cameron shrugged off his close association with pal Jeremy Clarkson, "Well, it's not as though we were proper mates; he did not go to Eton for goodness sake. I mean I won't bother sending flowers or anything."
Clarkson, whose condition is described as moody and unstable, will be flown back next week, if he's lucky, and receive NHS aftercare, if he's unlucky.