Tabloid journalists have been advised to seek help if they become depressed and experience feelings of worthlessness in the wake of the Gary Speed tragedy.
Scores of hardened hacks are reported to have succumbed to stress and resorted to heavy drinking after unfounded rumours about footballer Gary Speed were spread on Twitter before those journalists had a chance to make their own stories up.
"Tabloid journalists could easily lose their expense accounts, wives, and even their jobs, if irresponsible amateurs are allowed to spread their own lies and gossip before we can publish ours", claimed tabloid psychologist Len Drivel from The Porkie Pie Wine Bar in Wapping.
Football Editor Terry Snide has attacked Twitter and demanded stricter regulation over the information that is circulated on social networking sites.
"The illiterate scumbags that peddle that crap are compromising the integrity of traditional tabloids. Most of the stuff you read in those rags is made up nonsense and will just be tomorrow's fish and chip paper", said a depressed Snide.