Written by IainB
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Thursday, 22 December 2011

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Stripy jumpers are to be banned from British television starting in spring next year, with a wider ban on stripy jumpers in general to follow a few months later.

"It doesn't matter if the jumper has vertical or horizontal stripes," said Fashion Minister without Portfolio, Gok Wan. "Thick stripes, thin stripes, even diagonal. It doesn't matter. They're all ugly."

Fat Fighters head of UK operations, Verity O'Bease, is alarmed at the new move.

"Stripes have long been the last bastion of the permanently fat," said O'Bease. "When every diet fails there are only two options: wear a stripy jumper, or go and live in Disney Land. If we lose the stripy jumper, Mickey will have a lot of new neighbours."

Fashion houses are liaising with government ministers to attempt to understand the new ruling.

"We're trying to figure out what is permissible," said Gordan Banks, who is no relation to fashion designer Jeff, but has appeared on TV in a stripy jumper. "For example, are swirls okay? What about wavy lines? The new ruling simply states that stripes are banned. It's going to be tricky to comply if we don't understand. Can we almost have stripes? You know, a stripe tease kind of thing?"

If the bill passes through parliament and the house of lords, it could leave the Christmas jumper market decimated, as clashing coloured stripes are a staple of this industry. A team of dedicated enforces will patrol the country looking for offending apparel, and will be called Stripe Searchers.

Giles Brandreth, an ardent fan of the patterned jumper believes this is one edict the government have got wrong.

"You can't beat a good stripe," he said. "I'm told by my colleagues that stripes are so popular that there are stripe clubs all over Britain. This tells me that stripers, as wearers of stripes are called, are very popular; They won't take removing their clothes lying down!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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