Written by queen mudder
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Monday, 28 November 2011

image for Gold coins mark greasy pole in Speaker Bercow's new coat of arms
Critics say the gold 'roundels' are symbols of bungs on the greasy pole

London - Heraldry experts are pissing themselves silly tonight at John Bercow's foray into deluded hubris and, er, other daft but predictable stuff.

The unveiling of his official portrait and personal coat of arms saw much jaw-dropping as a golden ladder's rungs decorated with massive bullion dubloons was revealed.

The motifs sit on a red and blue shield and are flanked by Somali-esque pirate cutlasses in a grim reminder of how easily bounty hunters get rich these GlibDem-Tory Coalition daze.

"Heheh, those 'dubloons' - or 'roundels' to give them their correct heraldic classification - are symbols of blatant bungs that got Bercow his leg-up," College of Heralds curator Sir Harvey Scarlet-Pimpernel told guests at Westmonster tonight.

Some curious pink triangles festooning the Bercow motto 'Clean Sheets and a Pretty Young Wife' "could be a cheeky reminder of Sally B's brief career as a reality TV contestant this year".

The entire £37,000 bill for the painting and coat of arms is being picked up by taxpayers, of course.

Last year in a national poll voters overwhelmingly agreed that the procuration of an MP's portrait before his/her actual retirement is a gross offence on a par with, er, sodomy.

Margaret Thatcher is 179.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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