Written by Backandtotheleft
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Sunday, 27 November 2011

Two femme Fatales were arrested by the police yesterday after their daring robbery was foiled by most high tech (and unstoppable) of police tactics. The stationary, highly visible security camera.

The two woman gang, made up of Rose "The Flowerpot" Devlin 59 and Denise Egan 52, whose Facebook profile lists her hobbies as "reading detective novels, planning crime sprees and evading the law!"

The girls, calling themselves "The Manchester Mavericks", developed a fool proof plan that when it was put into action would net them enough bottles of cheap cider and gin to last them to the end of the week.

Rose explains: "I saw this TV show on TV like, called Supermarket Sweep where the people go round a shop and put loads of stuff into their trolleys. And I thought why not me?"

A simple yet ingenious plan involved the two ladies going into a supermarket, collecting a trolley, walking down the beer aisle, filling it up with booze and meandering out of the shop! A plan so far ahead of it's time it should have lasers on it.

The first shop to be targeted by this flawless scheme was ASDA. The women were able to load their "steed" (the Mavericks codename for the trolley) with the "fizzy make good juice" (codename for booze) and make their escape out of the front door.

Security were unable to stop the brave twosome as they were too busy doubled up in laughter at the fact anyone would have the balls to just walk out of a shop with beer.

However the genius of the idea was to be unveiled once they got outside.

Denise elaborated for us: "Well we knew the police would get called because stealing is still a crime in this backward country. So we reckoned the police would be looking for a car that was driving right? So we decided to make sure we didn't have any petrol in ours."

The ladies then pushed their car (still filled with the stolen booze yet totally inconspicuous) into the nearby garage which was also owned by ASDA and filled their tank up.

The strangest thing about the whole episode was that they paid for the petrol instead of just driving off and giving a big middle finger to the oil industry.

"You can't steal petrol, only illegal immigrants do that!" Shouted Rose when this question was put to her.

So even though these where hardened criminals they weren't prepared to stoop to the new low of fore court jumping.

Having avoided capture for half an hour the two heroes of the people decided to hit another supermarket and use the exact same tactics, thinking if it isn't broke don't fix it. However this time security was awake and not functionally retarded and decided to stop them before they left the shop. They were linked to CCTV footage from the earlier crime and both now await sentencing.

Asked why they didn't bother covering their faces, distinguishing marks or the car license plates they gave a very well considered reason.

"We had developed a cloaking device that we believed made us look like two middle aged Indian blokes, unfortunately we forgot to switch it on!"

An unfortunate oversight in a otherwise faultless execution.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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