Written by Notver Prophet
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Friday, 27 January 2006

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Naughty Man

Menzies Campbell has today pulled out of the race for the Liberal Democrat leadership after admitting to having fingered jazz legend Charles Mingus. 'I've always enjoyed his loose bass-oriented rhythms' said the experienced MP for Fife North-East. 'I felt the natural progression of my relationship with his music would be to give him an intimate tickle. It turns out I was sadly mistaken. He was cold and inaffectionate.

Whilst fingering a bassist is not in itself scandalous enough to cause the withdrawal, senior sources from within the party felt that Menzies had to 'pull out' due to the fact that Charles has been dead for almost 27 years.

Ex-leader Paddy Asdown commented that 'Had it been Courtney Pine, Jamie Cullum or anyone else with a pulse, the situation might have been different, but we at the Liberal Democrats are strongly of the opinion that progressive social and economic policy-making are simply not compatible with molesting deceased musicians.

Following the previous withdrawal from the race of Mark Oaten due to his admission of involvement with a rent boy, it appears that goings-on deep within the bowels of the Liberal Democrats have taken yet another queer turn. Of the 62 parliamentarians from the party, they number 12 heterosexuals, 37 homomsexuals, 5 asexuals, 4 french hens, 2 bicurious and a Wookie. Chewbacca was not available for comment, engaged as he was in a party think-tank regarding sexual impropriety.

Todays shock announcement means that the two remaining contestants are Simon Hughes, who has admitted to being gay despite previous denials, and Chris Huhne, who no one has ever heard and who may or may not exist. Mr Huhne, the only candidate to not have been involved in a sex-scandal as yet, has never been seen in the same room as Michael Jackson. 'You do the maths' said Conservative observers of the leadership contest.

Speaking face-down from a ditch just outside Aberdeen, the resigned Charles Kennedy wiped the vomit from his chin to ask; 'I want to know Hughes responsible for this mess, chances like this only come around once in a blue Huhne'. What an amiable drunk. Maybe he should consider running.

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