Written by IainB
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Sunday, 10 June 2012

image for Blackpool wants to be in a different time zone to the rest of the UK
Blackpool Tower, yesterday and 40 years ago

Blackpool, the lit up, gaudy armpit of Britain, has asked to be put on a different time zone to the rest of the UK.

"We're not talking about an hour or two," said Chief of Public Interaction, Services and Scaffolding, Robert Cardigan. "We want to be put into the 1970s."

According to Cardigan, the 1970s were the heyday of Blackpool, when people came and enjoyed themselves. The Pleasure Beach was the envy of the Western coast, and the Golden Mile was really golden.

"Back then," said Cardigan, "we didn't have any of this clean beach act, health and safety or food hygiene. People could come to Blackpool and have a good time without worrying about slips, trips or falls, raw sewage or safety equipment on the rides. Life was more enjoyable back then."

Quite how the logistics of having five square miles of the UK permanently in the 70s, forty years behind the rest of the country, would work is up for debate.

"We're thinking mandatory flares and sideburns for men," said Cardigan. "And bold floral patterns for women and curtains. Supermarkets will not sell fruit and veg, if you want that kind of fancy stuff, you'd have to go to Marks's."

Being not only in a different decade, but a different century and millennium would mean that there would be a currency exchange rate for Blackpool, putting it in line with its competition in Marbella, a town which has already successfully made the transition into the 1970s.

"We're thinking of 1972," said Cardigan, "rather than 1970 itself. As this way, decimal currency will have been introduced. With an exchange rate of about one current pound to thirty 1970s pounds, people's money will go further, making Blackpool a very tempting destination once again. Exactly like it was in the 70s."

David Cameron, who would ultimately be responsible for allow Blackpool to move into the 1970s, was taken aback by the suggestion.

"Blackpool? Where is that exactly?" he said. "Is it one of those working class destinations? I thought they were all still in the 70s anyway. Like Burnley."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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