Written by Deafo
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Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Hospital patients are to be fitted with new bionic lenses which will project images of Health Secretary Andrew Lansley telling lies on a continuous loop.

The lenses, which will allow wearers to read floating lies or view computer-generated images lying to them, will also show Lansley telling patients to 'thank' the staff looking after them in a way their salary's fail to.

Patients will only be able to remove the lenses upon leaving hospital through blind boredom of their own volition, or in a wooden box which will pump audio loops of Lansley saying 'I hope you had a pleasant stay'.

One NHS campaign group says his face is the "last thing" patients want to see.

'Hospital is stressful enough without being lied to some thirty times an hour by a politician who couldn't tell a saline drip from a bag of piss.'

'If you are there with a serious illness that has taken several months to properly diagnose to be finally admitted and affixed to lenses with the health secretary repeatedly proclaiming just how much your care matters to him, surely it will only serve to increase a patients blood pressure.'

Lansley defended the scheme, saying he was relaying messages of great national importance.

'Look at me as the land-lord of all NHS premises, doing the gracious thing by welcoming you to the homes I rarely visit.'

'But take my cue, and don't overstay your welcome.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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