London - Last weekend's 'despicable' theft of a £25,000 poppy brooch meant for public display on Katherine Jenkins' Festival of Remembrance bosom may have triggered a royal pilfering cover-up scandal media sources warned today.
Hundreds of files about retail security staff arrests of British royals have been mothballed 'for the nation's honor' a law enforcement source has said.
The whitewash includes one 'royal bride to be' snatching thousands of pounds of designer gear to flog on an internet auction site.
Another details a serial kleptomaniac 'national treasure' who claimed immunity from arrest because of a psychiatric predisposition to baubles, bling and billionaires' chequebooks.
And two royal 'uglu-mug' sisters who erased all records of a huge West End shoplifting blitz with Red Tops' saturation coverage of their 'charitable' works.
"They nearly always play that old chestnut of never carrying money or 'boring' credit cards," the head of Oxford Street customer services said today.
"We have to ring a special Royal Protection Racket telephone number each time the scanners go ballistic during yet another pilfering spree.
"Wanna see unedited CCTV footage of how one royal bridegroom 'shopped' for his bridesmaids with a concealed carrier bag inside his Y-Fronts?"
The vid may now be posted on the Royal YouBoob! channel in a consumer-oriented tit-fot-tat reprisal during the annual Queen's Christmas Message.