London - Stripping doctors of the tedious duty of writing sick notes has been approved by the Government.
From next month independent panels of local specialists will be in charge of signing off sickness benefit candidates in a long awaited clampdown on system abuse.
Commenting on the decision Deptford kebab shop owner Ali Babar said that harnessing unique diagnostic expertise such as his was an obvious choice:
"They're always throwing up after midnight round here, seen it all before, innit?"
Head barman at New Cross pub The Endangered Species Dave Skank agreed 'because publicans are reliable observers of human woe' especially at throwing out time.
The government proposals would see NHS sick note pen pushers relegated to basic quackery duties to stem the tide of mass sickness benefit culture scams.
"Stands to reason, dunnit?" head masseuse at a New Cross 'sauna' added.
"Doctors' vested interests have kept up the sickness numbers unlike honest local pros, like me!
"Wanna quick rubdown for that hernia-prone swelling? Twenty quid should fix it, mate."