As unholy an alliance as it seems, the above named will actually be appearing in Dorking for six weeks over the Christmas holiday period, in the Dorking Review Theatre's yuletide festive panto production treat, Cinderella.
Directed by am-dram impressario, Kenneth Lucid.
Theresa May and Al Pacino will play the ugly sisters, Kristen Stewart will play Prince Charming, and in a novel twist, theSpoof.com's very own Martin Shuttlecock will play the Good Fairy.
In grotesque drag, and whilst adopting a thoroughly mental upper crust accent, with a case of Stella strapped to his back, and a long plastic drinking straw to enable him to remain shockingly intoxicated throughout.
"I've no idea why they asked me to do this," a slightly inebriated Shuttlecock told the one interested reporter. (A cub from the Box Hill Freesheet.) "Probably because I'm a closet alcoholic insomniac gay with a liberal attitude towards bizarre transvestism, but I just couldn't afford to turn it down at five pound an hour. Cash in hand. No questions asked. I always fancied meself as an actor. Not in a big way, mind. I was thinking more like in terms of an extra in Corrie standing at the bar in the Rovers for hours on end getting legless and saying nowt. Anyroad, I've signed up now. So look out Dorking!"
It is widely believed that Home Secretary, Theresa May has taken the panto post as a way of avoiding a great many awkward questions from fellow MP's and the public at large, whereas Pacino and Kristen Stewart were inspired by Shuttlecock's crap YouTube videos to come along and work with the man himself.
"When I saw that guy's videos on YouTube," Al Pacino explained. "I just had to come along and meet him. I've never seen anybody so incompetent in front of the camera. His performances were shambolic. But then I thought, if this guy is acting this stuff and not really drunk, then he's gotta be the greatest actor on the planet, so maybe I can learn something from him. I have no clue as to exactly what, but there must be something..."
"I just felt sorry for him," Kristen Stewart said. "He looked so sad and beat down. And his bloodshot eyes reminded me of Robert on the set of the Twilight movies, apart from with Robert (Pattinson) it was make-up. I also just had to come to confirm to myself that Shuttlecock's hair is real, and not a crappy syrup. But then, who in their right mind would buy a wig like that?"
Home Secretary, Theresa May said merely that Shuttlecock is a menace to society, and that she's determined to have him banged up in Broadmoor, at least forever and then some. But not until the Dorking panto season ends.
"I have a job to do," she said briskly. "And that job is to bring top quality panto to the good people of Dorking. When that's done, I shall ensure that the scoundrel Shuttlecock faces the full force of the law - even if we have to make it up as we go along. After that, in January 2012, I'll just revert to being utterly incompetent. As usual."
Panto director, Kenneth Lucid, was having his hair braided by his PA, Juanita Juan - who was making a right bollocks of it on account of her having wonky eyes - when he told reporters:
"It's like this all the time. Bloody thespians. They think the world revolves around them. They're worse than writers. Personally, I blame that bloody book - The Dorking Review - Shuttlecock was a nobody when that came out. Now - he's still a nobody, but one with a shit profile. These are the kind of people I warn my kids about."
More as we get it.