Dorking's head of swimming, water polo, dive bombing, and water sports, Councillor Chuck Wood, today announced that former comedian, game show host, and reality TV enigma, Michael Barrymore, will not, after all, be invited to cut the ceremonial ribbon at the New Dorking Lido.
Addressing two legitimate reporters, and three from The Dorking Review - the satirical journal which is a 'must have' item for the nation's Christmas stockings (Apart from kids, because there's a lot of swearing in it, apparently.) Councillor Wood announced:
"There was a bit of an unfortunate cock-up on that front. The council sent a delegation out to Australia, where Barrymore now resides, and certain 'revelations' were made, since Councillor Madge Allsop - who recommended Barrymore for the opening ceremony - last saw him doing Basil Fawlty impressions on the goggle box. On that crap game show, Strike It Lucky that he hosted at the time. It seems that since that time, and now, Mr Barrymore converted to homosexuality and was implicated in an incident at his home which involved the unfortunate demise of a young party goer in his swimming pool. The deciding factor though was Mr Barrymore's bizarre behaviour on Celebrity Big Brother. His treatment of lads mag favourite Jodie Marsh was unforgivable. So we told him to fuck off. Mind you, the nineteen man delegation had a whale of a time in Oz! Wa-heyyy! Gedddin there!"
Michael Barrymore declined to comment when approached, as he feared that somebody might interrupt his OCD by stopping him from tidying the house up.
More as we get it.
God knows why...