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Friday, 18 November 2011

image for Fat Dorking Girl Wins Award
Not Even A Starter - More Like An Aperetif

Fat girl, Amelia Gannet, 29, of Dorking was reported to be 'over the moon' last night, when it was announced that she was 'Customer Of The Year' at the works canteen of local employer, SEN Packaging Ltd.

"I'm over the moon!" Amelia told doorstepping reporters, at her home in Beech Road, Dorking.

The annual awards ceremony, brainchild of canteen manager, Ramsay Gordon, was introduced three years ago, and this year's award will be the third time running that 'Fatty Gannet' - as her friends at the firm playfully call her - will be the recipient.

Gordon initially introduced the award as a humorous counterpoint to all the healthy eating propoganda currently being splashed all over the media, by rewarding absolute gluttony, as opposed to adhering to what he described as 'a lifetime of abject vegetarian anorexic angst.'

Colleagues described how 28 stone (392 lbs for our US cousins) Amelia would visit the canteen a minimum of three times during any working day, consuming up to three or even four meals at a sitting.

"One day I saw her eat three platefulls of lasagne," workmate Polly Twiglet said, her voice filled with awe. "And they aren't small portions either. And then she demolished a meat feast deep pan pizza and a quadruple chilli cheeseburger with double fries, and that was just on her tea break! She's amazing. She just shovels it in without batting an eyelid. She's like a machine."

Fatty Gannet's Departmental Manager, Adrian Headlock, did however reveal that Amelia's dietary habits, however admirable her voracious capacity for continuous consumption inevitably led to difficulties in the office.

"It's usually around mid afternoon," Headlock explained. "That's when the farting tends to start. Most of the staff tend to grin and bear it because Fatty Gannet's award is a big bonus for the department, but recently there have been one or two dissenting voices, and a run on desks by the windows requests. For the most part though, we take it in our stride."

Canteen Manager, Ramsay Gordon, told a reporter from The Dorking Review: - a must have Christmas stocking filler of a book for anybody with a sense of humour. (Available online, but ignore the reviews.)

"I love Fatty Gannet! And why wouldn't I? I'm in the business of making and selling quality grub. I don't give a toss about saturated fats, five a day, rocket, fennel, or any of that shit. I make good wholesome food, and as far as I'm concerned, the more people get a bloody site more of it down their necks - people like Fatty Gannet - the happier I'll be. Ker-ching! Quids in! At this rate I'll be able to retire by the year 2019!"

Unfortunately, Skoob News was unable to obtain an exclusive interview with Fatty Gannet for this article, as she'd nipped down Ali Bullo's kebab van for a snack - The Bullo Special Mix Innit - a four pound meat feast consisting of lamb and chicken donner meat, kofte, and lamb and chicken shish all mashed together in a two foot pitta bread with onions, pickled chillies, lettuce, tomato and coleslaw smothered in a half pint mix of chilli and garlic yoghurt sauce, topped off with cream. Nineteen pound ninety nine at an Ali Bullo kebab and burger van near you, with a litre bottle of Pepsi and a defibrillator thrown in.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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