Written by Skoob1999
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Topics: Local, Bats

Friday, 11 November 2011

image for Local Man Denies Having Sexual Relations With Fruit Bat
He Never Touched Me Guv! Honest!

Following a series of spurious internet allegations, local man, Martin Shuttlecock today categorically denied any and all allegations that he has been conducting an illicit and improper sexual relationship with a fruit bat.

Up the loft.

"I never had a sexual relationship with that fruit bat," Shuttlecock told a couple of thoroughly bored reporters today.

It's thought that the malicious allegations took root when Shuttlecock revealed that he'd adopted a snow leopard, a fruit bat colony, and a squatter named Arm, and was keeping them in his loft.

Inevitably, the neighbours and the internet community put two and two together, came up with seven, and accused Shuttlecock of inappropriately messing about with one of the fruit bats.

Loft squatting denizen, Arm, a successful author in his own right, contributor to everybody's must have Christmas stocking publication, The Dorking Review, angrily berated reporters on one of his rare excursions to the front door.

"You wanna leave Shuttlecock alone, you bastards!" he said. "He's alright he is! And his missus! He's quite laid back in my experience, and he never pulls a face of a Sunday afternoon when I hog the gravy boat. To suggest he's 'avin' it orf wiv one of the fruit bats is just daft. He's a bit of a fick git and probably wouldn't know where to start wiv all that malarkey - even if he did 'ave a yearning. Which he don't. So sod orf!"

A stunned and bewildered Shuttlecock made a brief appearance at the door, and said:

"Anyway, I haven't got time for all this nonsense, cos I've got to go up the shops for me beer and baccy and that. But I can honestly say that fiddling about with fruit bats doesn't really appeal to me."

Long suffering wife, Anne, told reporters:

"It isn't true about the fruit bat thing. Arm's spot on with that. It's good to know though that in certain circles, my Martin is looked on as some sort of sexual deviant...maybe there's hope for me yet! Waheyyy! Tonight could be my lucky night!"

The fruit bat in question was unavailable for comment, which is probably just as well because it only speaks Mandarin, and this reporter can't find that on his keyboard.

More as we get it...although hopefully not.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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