London - Daft-as-brush ex-UK Prime Monster John Major is embroiled in a sordid DNA check on some 'bastards' who've tested positive to be his brats.
At a Chatham House stink tank talk last night the hasbeen waxed lyrical about the US-UK 'special relationship' being over as he dodged paternity bullet questions about a 'buffonish tosser' caught in a MI5 elephant trap during last month's Iran espionage furor.
"I didn't get to where I am today by admitting anything, heheh," Major guffawed as inquisitors lined up to probe him about the Liam Fox/Adam Werritty fiasco.
The former Tory leader has two former convicted Tory grandees as his fans after arranging for David Cameron's QC brother Alexander Cameron to defend them in 1990s perjury/libel cases fought - and lost - by Jonathan Aitken and Jeffrey Archer.
An awful lot of sordid Tory secrets were easily whitewashed during those trials, paving the way for Dave 'Tosspot' Cameron to be an eventual shoo-in as party leader and subsequent PM.
But the Adam Werrity business continues to be a thorn in No 10's flesh as various investigations continue.
Edwina Curry's booting off from Strictly Come Dancing may yet be examined in a court of law.