A RECORD nine out of 10 English and Welsh beaches meet new EU standards for water quality - but Blackpool's are not among them.
The resort's central and south beaches failed to match basic cleanliness standards, as did those at Llandudno in Conwy, Margate in Kent and two in north Devon.
Our reporter Betty Stinxbad spent the morning interviewing both Waterboard Officials and local residents.
She caught up with Mike Pottyjob of the Environmental Health Agency on Blackpool's South shore. Betty told us, "Mr. Pottyjob was carrying a small child's fishing net and a plastic shopping bag. So far he'd fished out about 11 kilos of turd, mostly human, floating close to the shore. I was nearly baulking from the smell."
"It's hopeless," said Mr. Pottyjob, "because the locals are shitting it out much faster than I can possibly fish it in."
Only yards away from where Mr. Pottyjob was working a mother and small child were squatting in the shallows, evidently dumping their considerable lunches into the waves. Betty commented that they were not the only ones to be seen.
"This is just the tip of the shitberg," said Mr. Pottyjob. "Blackpool used to be known for its holidays and fun beaches. Just look at it now. Blackpool? More like Cesspool!"
Ms. Stinxbad attempted to interview some of the worst offenders seen defecating along the shore, and even chased a couple who still had their pants round their ankles, but was thwarted when she slipped in what she described as "a miasma of diarrhoea".
Blackpool Council are to provide Doggydoo bags and Toilet Paper which will be attached to lamp-posts along the Golden Mile in an effort to encourage locals to at least pick up after themselves.