Written by Jack Leonard
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Topics: Kids, cash, Pawnbrokers

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

The true extent of the financial crisis was highlighted yesterday by the announcement that Leeds will become home to the UK's first 'Cash4Child' outlet.

Based loosely on the ubiquitous gold merchants where hard-up punters sell inherited jewellery for a fraction of its true value, 'Cash4Child' will take advantage of the global increase in child slavery. Anyone with unwanted children or kids they can no longer afford may bring them into the shop to be assayed, after which a cash sum will be offered based on age and weight. The child is then recycled through the Far East's sweatshop system, with 'Cash4Child' pocketing a healthy finders fee.

Daily Mail readers have reacted with horror, even more so when they heard what the plans actually were. Despite living in a mansion, 300 miles away, Tristan Buttmunch claimed that the whole thing was a disgrace. "I don't even know where Leeds is," he said, "but this is the thin end of the wedge, mark my words. Before long, all the immigrants will be stealing our children to fund their drug habit."

'Cash4Child' entrepreneur, Baz Vernon, laughed off the accusations, branding them paranoid nonsense. "Look," he said, "all I'm doing is offering a public service. It will mean people in financial difficulty can come to me rather than going to a loan shark." Vernon has no intention of standing still, either.

"In the future," he continued, "I hope to develop contacts a little closer to home and offer e service on a temporary basis. That way, scumbag mothers can leave their kids with me and bugger off to Lanzarote for a fortnight, safe in the knowledge that the police and social services won't be waiting for them when they get back. They get piece of mind, I get a few quid, and Nike get a few more training shoes. Of course, if they don't come back, I get to sell the child too!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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