Written by IainB
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Topics: English, Writing

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

image for Letter modifiers to be added to English
The dot below the 'i' is quite uncommon.

For several centuries English has been steadily losing the letter modifiers that help in their pronunciation of words. Naive is often written without the umlaut, facade has lost it's cedilla, role has been stripped of it's circumflex and cliche is quite often seen without the accent over the 'e'.

"Enôugh is enôugh," said Ted Di Bare, professor of historical English at Reading School of Reading. "It is time that these vïtal punçtuation màrks are réturñed to English."

The loss of part of the English language's heritage has been put down to two reasons: laziness is the primary force behind their loss.

"Pëöplë have got lazÿ," said Di Bare. "They çânnôt be bøthered to äpply the sìmple màrks to their têxt. They have fòrgotten the rûles."

According to Di Bare, there is also a second, more sinister, force at work in stripping English of everything except the dots above 'i' and 'j'.

"It's the pûzzle compánies," he said. "Scråbble and the lîke. Çrosswôrd pûzzles, wörd games, ètçëtêrå."

Di Bare believes that the companies who manufacturer puzzles believe that the lack of modification marks makes their puzzles more understandable to most people.

"They are évil," said Di Bare.

Under new guidelines proposed by Di Bare, the next generation of school children would be taught how and where to apply the wide variety of punctuation marks.

"I am nöt jùst sûggesting rôle, cliché, naïve and encyclopædia," said Di Bare, "but the whôle gamút. It is important."

Computer keyboard manufacturers are equally eager for Di Bare's plan to bear fruit.

"We could add loads of new keys," said Logan Teck. "It would be brilliant."

Mark Crystal, of the Crystal Mark Plain English Organisation, is unsure if it is a good thing or not.

"English is already complicated enough," he said. "Most words have synonyms that make choosing the right word difficult. Modifiers would be one more hassle. Although it would make texting more difficult. And that can only be a good thing."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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