Secret Government Records have today revealed that a man called Chris Evans has been in secret talks to become the spokesman for the Tory Government's Zombie, Alien Brain Beetle Project.
As we know from previous encounters with Alien brain Beetles, they enter your brain through infected champagne, and make you a materialistic capitalist, who is immune to the suffering of the common man in the street.
Mild infection leads to the sufferer becoming a Tory, but advanced infestation leads to Tombiedom. Tombiedom is the metamorphosis of a human being into a Tombie (a cross between a Tory and a Zombie). Teminal end stage Tombiedom of course results in the insatiable desire to eat skinny poor people (not fat ones, because Tombies think skinny ones taste nicer)
Statistics have shown that 1% of the population of Britain is infected with Alien Brain Beetles, and the first symptom of brain beetle infection is excessive greed and selfishness, and the inability to empathise with people who are carrying out peaceful protests for the good of all humanity.
Chris Evans, the BBC1 Breakfast Radio host, showed some of these symptoms when he launched a verbal attack on the protesters outside St Paul's Cathedral. He seemed to be insinuating that he cared more for the welfare of a building made of stone, than he did for the welfare of poor people in our country.
This attack has led many to speculate that the Chris Evans in the secret Government documents is in fact the Ginger bloke off the One show.
Because these documents were stolen from a vault deep beneath the houses of Parliament, I will never be able to reveal my sources or verify that this document every existed.
But what I can tell you, is that if you want to protect yourself from the rise of the Tombies, you have to give the Protesters outside St Paul's Cathedral in London, and in Kelvigrove Park in Glasgow, a wee donation the next time you're passing. They're fighting for you, against THEM
And if you don't want to get eaten by a Tombie you have to eat lots of pizza because, as I've already said, Tombies only eat skinny people.
Keep safe, and Keep Protesting.
By Katarina Frogpond