The PM will announce that he is ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and NHS costs.
A plan to rescue the country's economy, formulated and presented by Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, Iain Duncan Smith, Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, Secretary of State for Health, and Secretary for Health, Andrew Lansley, has been accepted and adopted by the Prime minister David Cameron.
Amazingly, the three geniuses came up with the plan in less than four hours, while they were having a lunch of the £2.50 Ballotine of Beef with pomme puree, baby vegetables and red wine, in the subsidised House of Commons Restaurant last week.
George Osborne took time out from his playing Monopoly with his co-offshore investment account holder, the Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou to explain the details of the plan to our reporter Rudi Mentry.
"The deportation of Senior Citizens, has so many benefits over any other option available", like trying to deport illegal immigrants, after all, there are more illegal's than pensioners at the moment." he began.
* They are easier to catch
Various infirmities, old age, bad eyesight, and arthritis makes this task easier and cheaper than chasing illegal Rumanian gangsters, and Al Qaeda members.
* Most will not remember how to get back home!
Once we get them to foreign country, their confusion will double when they realise people are talking to them in a different language, and will wonder why.
* There will be a massive savings on Social Security and NHS costs
We will save on Pensions, zimmer-frames, walking sticks, oxygen, eye tests, bus passes, subsidised, hearing aids, carers, arthritis painkillers, and incontinence pads.
* There will be far fewer Charity shops
Thus freeing up more retail outlets, to permit small businesses to become bankrupt quicker.
* Quicker shopping for customers
No more hassle having to wait behind the old goats as they struggle with their arthritis to get cash out of their pockets and purses to pay for the few items they can afford.
Naturally, the selection procedure of which of them to deport the will have to be on a 'Are they financially well off' basis.
We recommend that selection decisions are taken only by the cream, and wealthiest people, who will benefit most by the savings that will be made. They will themselves be selected from the House of Commons MPs.