Written by Skoob1999

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Topics: fishing, Dorking, Crabs

Friday, 4 November 2011

image for Dorking Crab Boat Mothballed
Not Quite A Crab, But It'll Have To Do.

It's bad news from Dorking, as the town's last remaining Bering Sea crab boat has been mothballed, due to financial constraints, and being unable to compete with their Alaskan counterparts, such as those featured on Discovery Channel's 'Deadliest Catch.'

"It just isn't a level playing field," the owner of the MV Dork told disconcerted reporters. "Those American guys out of 'Deadliest Catch' are on site, but when we want to go fish for opies or king crab, we have to go across the Atlantic, pass through the Panama Canal, and then go north up to the Bering Sea. It just costs too much in fuel. Plus, by the time we get to the crab grounds, the lads are just too knackered to haul pots. So everybody has a kip and then we come home. It's cost us a bloody fortune, and we've made no money, so Sig and Andy, and Keith and that mad bloke with the long hair can have it. One consolation is that on our last trip, we at least got the opportunity to launch a bunch of fireworks off in honour of Captain Phil Harris, off the Cornelia Marie, who sadly died last year. We loved Phil - not in a gay way you understand - but it's game over for us."

The MV Dork is currently sitting atop a trailer in Dorking, as its owner tries to negotiate a 'historic ship' status report, which will enable it to sit alongside HMS Belfast in the shadow of Tower Bridge.

"I can't see that happening," a former crew member commented. "We used to go all that way, and we never caught fuck all. Maybe we should have paid more attention to Captain Phil's comments about crab fart bubbles. Basically, we were crap, and half the crew got seasick in two foot waves, so we were well fucked up there in that there Bering Sea."

The end of an utterly un-noteworthy era?

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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