Written by Stephen Prime
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Thursday, 3 November 2011

image for UK Police to be issued with rubber chickens
Rubber Chicken

Following on from the furore surrounding the 'baseball-bat arrrest' incident in which three male and one female officer smashed a car to pieces using baseball-bats because the driver of the vehicle did not get out of his car in time, all police around the country are to have their regulation truncheon's replaced with a less dangerous implement.

The replacement comes in the form of a bouncy rubber toy, most likely a chicken shape. Some officers may also receive dog chews or cat scratchers, as it is thought that supplies of the rubber chickens may run short before all the officers' equipment can be replaced.

One police officer, who's name was John Pugnacious and wished to remain annonymous, said "I fink it's a bloody nonsense. We won't last ten seconds on the streets with those! I mean, kids out there have uzis these days, and what 'ave we got? Rubber bloomin' chickens."

The move was announced after complaints that the police often have to use force with people during arrests, and sometimes those people feel intimidated by the police's truncheons. One man, Dwane Discount, who was arrested for armed robbery said "yeah, when I was arrested it was awful. They shook that bloody truncheon at me and I thought I was going to get a black eye or something."

The mayor of London said that he had personally chosen the replacement item to be a chicken because he thought it had "a great comedic tradition which ought to put the public at ease."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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