Written by Rudolph Schlong
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Topics: Fireworks

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

image for Man shoves 37 fireworks up his arse and dies

A man who stuck 37 fireworks in his backside has died from fatal burns after a stray roman candle exploded out of sequence.

Mario Bollocktelly from Manchester was performing his annual firework arse stuffing extravaganza for local orphans when a Catherine Wheel tied to his testicles became dislodged, triggering a calamitous chain reaction.

'It was unbelievable' said 5 year old Timmy Twat, 'One minute he was firing colourful orbs from his rectum during the Jack in the Box sequence and the next minute his arse exploded when the climactic roman candle display blew up in his sigmoid colon.'

'I think he was being over ambitious' added 6 year old Tommy Minge 'I've been coming to this event for 10 years now and it's the first time I've seen him cram more than 35 fireworks into his sphincter.'

'He was asking for some severe rectal damage if you ask me.'

Police confirmed today that a 23 year old man had died from internal injuries caused by overheating of the back passage. 'At this time of year' said a spokesman 'We'd like to put out a clear message to any youngster trying to copy this ridiculous stunt, that roman candles are a shit way to finish any anus related firework display.'

'I think a Waterfall Fountain followed by a Screaming Banshee is a far better end to a memorable display.... but that's enough about what happened when I gave the missus a golden shower last night..... Tell that one on Strictly Come Dancing, Sir Bruce the next time Robbie Savage shoves his cock into a camera lens.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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