The Royal Navy has scoffed at media accusations that recent defence cuts have left the Home Fleet depleted, to the point of leaving Britain without a single fighting vessel to protect its territorial waters.
The First Sea Lord, Admiral of The Fleet Sir Jacques Cousteau, who has recently been seconded from the far superior French Navy, scoffed at the idea that Britain's maritime interests were exposed and vulnerable. "Non, non et non again. Zis is merde. Of course we have a Home Fleet. It has not been easy, and we have to do the best with what we have got, but you can rest assured that British coastal waters are as safe as they have ever been".
Admiral Cousteau went on to say, "We have recommissioned HMS Victory. Alright, I know she hasn't put to sea in anger since 1812, but she has had a lick of paint, her 104 guns have been primed and, on the command 'fire', a small flag which says 'Bang!' will pop out of the end of each gun. She also has a full compliment of a dozen volunteer tour guides, all of whom are Royal Navy veterans. The old girl will strike fear into the hearts of the enemy".
Admiral Cousteau continued, "As back up, we have also refloated the Mary Rose. Ok, I know she last saw active service in 1545, but she has a fine collection of pots and pans, which her crew of four tourist guides will pelt the enemy with".
Reassured by Admiral Cousteau's assertion, it seems Britain has nothing to fear from any attack...as long as the enemy enters the Portsmouth Historic Dockyard from the north, enters through the main gate and proceeds past the small gift shop and modest museum on the left, before approaching HMS Victory from the port side.
In unrelated news, visitors to St Paul's Cathedral were today reported to have heard a voice from Nelson's tomb murmur "I don't fucking believe it. Aaaarrrrgh!"