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Tuesday, 1 November 2011

image for Archaeologists find Henry VIII's bongs under Hampton Court Palace ha-ha
The bongs are an exact match to a portrait of the King smoking in the Palace composting lav

A Time Team excavation of a Tudor outdoor lav near the King's Privy Garden has unearthed dozens of heraldic bongs belonging to Henry VIII archaeologists said today.

Signed by renowned court jeweller Sir Peregrine Nuggets the wrought filigree silver artefucts were found under the garden's ha-ha - a concealed trench designed to keep out proles and livestock from neighboring Hampton Wick Forest.

Ancient records have always maintained this part of the Privy Garden was Henry's favorite and a place where he experimented his green fingered lore in the cultivation of finest royal weed.

Thus the existence of the stunning smoking paraphernalia had long been suspected following an artist's 1985 restoration of a long lost portrait showing the King smoking a spliff while taking a dump.

Many layers of paintwork were stealthily removed from the painting that once adorned the Knave (sic) in Hampton Court's Chapel Royal before the truth finally emerged.

Of course today's find may well be felt as a setback to certain historians keen to dispel rumors of royal drug use throughout the ages.

But the discovery of an exact match to the arabesque chillum that Henry's seen clutching in the 1530 portrait could be hard to suppress - something that Hysteric Royal Palaces curators are finding hard to swallow.

"Henry The Eighth was not a stoner," HRP archivist Bobo Wattles insisted in a telephone interview today, "it's just some lookalike lardarse in the portrait, probably one of the Jamaican gardeners who ran the joint before losing their head in the er, Gunpowder Plot."

The smoking pipes will go on display at the Palace next year.

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