People tend to do crazy things on Halloween, but for one man, his fruitloop wife's antics eventually proved too much, and so he locked her up in the garden shed, vowing not to let her out until she gets her head sorted out.
Vernon Puddleduck, of Hooverville, finally snapped when his wife plastered her ancient shovel-slapped boat race in make-up based on Bette Davis in the movie, Whatever Happened To Baby Jane, dressed her floppy XXL body up in a St Trinian's outfit, and went into the back yard, howling at the moon and drinking squirrel blood.
"It just all got too much," Puddleduck told reporters. "I just wanted a quiet night in watching Dancing With The Stars on the telly, and then she started..."
Puddleduck explained that relations between himself and his loopy spouse, which were never all that great at the best of times, had deteriorated since she bought a laptop computer, which the use of caused her to froth at the mouth and scratch herself fiercely enough to draw blood.
"I can usually tolerate her weirdness," Puddleduck said. "But when she started screeching at the moon, I decided that enough is enough, and that I had to put my foot down with a firm hand. So I took hold of the fat arsed, anvil faced old bag, by the wobbly bits and I locked her up in the shed. All she ever did - even on a good day - was moan her fucking head off about something or other. So I've locked the daft bitch up, and I shan't let her out until she consents to see a trick cyclist. Ideally, I'd divorce the old bag, but she'd only stalk me. She's better off locked in the shed out of the fucking way."
A spokesperson from Puddleduck's local police station advised that locking your wife in the garden shed, no matter how mental she is, could be interpreted as a criminal act, and lead to criminal prosecution.
"It's not something I'd personally recommend," Officer Felix Krupky told the press. "I guess we all have days when we'd like nothing better than to burn our wives at the stake, but in the final analysis, you've just got to put it down to experience and just get on with it. So long as she does the cooking, washing and ironing, I guess it's a negotiable position."
Germaine Greer was unavailable for comment at the time of going to press, and Winnie Mandela had popped up the shops to buy some microwave noodles, but we can promise...
More as we get it.