London - Snakes-in-the-Wold resident Mrs Dymphna Cockles, MBE, consultant astrologer to the Illuminati, said today she'd witnessed the death star's shadow transiting HM's pallid gob in Australia during a Commonwealth barbie.
"All the signs are that a baleful Moon/Pluto conjunction will see the Queen kick the bucket on Halloween," Cockles told reporters ahead of tomorrow's Daily Mail-leus Maleficarum editorial.
Her prediction comes ahead of reports that the Hellfire Club - the supreme governing body in charge of the secession - er...succession! - is taking no chances 'and might push HM off a cliff for her own effing good'.
"We've had weeks of all that 'girls can inherit the throne' malarkey," Cockles continued, "doubtless part of Mr Clegg's Human Frights Act bollox.
"Then the last straw came with his classic smoke 'n' mirrors pitch claiming the Monarch will soon be permitted to marry into the Popish Heresy.
"So that's alright then, HM being lawfully married to Mr Joseph Ratzinger.... and Bob Geldof, their firstborn, flogging Buckingham Palace Xmas lightshows for half a million quid a pop?"
Palace sources have refused to get drawn into the controversy but issued a statement saying the story as crap.
"Her Majesty will not drop dead on Halloween," the announcement proclaimed.
"Besides, it's much more likely Mrs Thatcher will channel rigor mortis, did you see that spooky grim reaper headscarf she wore to Liam Fox's birthday bash the other day....?"