Knife wielding teenagers who threaten the well-being of others will be forced to 'stand in a corner and face the wall' under new plans unveiled by Justice Secretary Kenneth Clarke to restore order to the streets of Britain.
The plans were revealed amidst mounting concern at the sharp increase in knife crime amongst under-18's which has lead the Conservative MP for Rushcliffe to take combative action of his own to prevent a further escalation in politically fatal statistics.
'The use of a knife by teenagers simply will not be tolerated by this government', Clarke was quoted as saying as he entered Westminster.
'Be that the simple swipe as your remove the skin from you apple, or the more illustrious swipe as make a move on a fellow teenagers jugular.'
'We need to be very clear in the message we send out to this brand of youngster, and I feel making them stand in the corner of which ever room they inhabit and face the wall for a prolonged period, say 45 minutes is just the deterrent to emphasise that message.'
'You can't stab many people when you are facing the wall, can you?'
The justice secretary stated it was his hope that other serious crimes could be treated with as much vigour.
'People like arsonists for example.'
'We plan to force them to stand in a swimming pool for 12 hours a day Monday to Friday.'
'They will be fitted with a blow-up doll permanently around their groin region.'
'Sounds quite appealing.'