Written by Ellis Ian Fields
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Wednesday, 26 October 2011

image for Irish County Anticipates Population Explosion
Yes, the spokesman we invented for this ridiculous nonsense.

As the world waits to see who will be the seven billionth human on the planet, a county in Ireland is feeling the effects of the population boom.

Westmeath, in Leinster, faces the Malthusian nightmare of its population hitting the 100,000 mark by 2016!

Latest figures show that the county was home to nearly 86,000 people in April, the highest it has been for 140 years (or ever? - ed) - and an increase of more than 6,600 in five years.

And if the number-crunchers have got their sums right, there will be another 15,000 Westmeath mouths to feed by the next census in 2016.

"Begorrah, bejabers an'all, an'all, an'll!" said a completely invented stereotypical spokesman for the county authorities. "'Tis a pretty fix and no mistake. Ah, we're banjaxed roight enoff!

"I've warned those O'Malley girls to keep their legs together, but they're a wild family, roight enoff.

"Who knows where we're going to put all the new beggars? I know old O'Flaherty has an empty house down the Fitzallan Road, and Mrs Dunphy has a spare room which she lets out to the lodgers... but 15,000? That's a hurling finals crowd!

"Aye, it's to Hell in a handcart we'll be bound. And no mistake. An'all."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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