Written by Jack Leonard
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Tuesday, 25 October 2011

As part of an initiative to make education more relevant to modern day Britain, the government is to offer vocational training for potential Jeremy Kyle guests.

Education minister, Robert Smith-Smythe, told reporters who attended the launch exactly why he believed in the project. "We spoke with many TV industry bosses," he said, "and they all complained about the same thing: that today's society dropouts are totally unprepared for the realities of life on the show. While they may be all piss and vinegar at the beginning, it isn't long before they find themselves unable to cope with an aggressive Kyle and unfamiliar technology. This training will provide them with the necessary skills."

According to Smith-Smythe, students will be taught how to beat lie detectors and spoil DNA samples. The curriculum also includes lectures in on-demand crying and choosing photogenic leisurewear, as well as practical 'rag-loss choreography' sessions, where hopefuls learn the art of attacking a love rival without actually landing a blow.

Places on the scheme will be limited at first, so successful candidates will be those with the highest scores in promiscuity, illegitimate parenting, consonant-dropping and random assault. In the event of a tie, preference will be given to applicants with the highest disregard for oral hygiene.

"Our goal," Smith-Smythe concluded, "is that, within a year or two, Britain will once more have daytime TV scumbags who are the envy of the world."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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