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Monday, 24 October 2011

Applications by college leavers seeking to acquire a worthless piece of paper confirming they too had successfully been exploited for three years of their lives at University, are running at 9% below last year's level, says the Ucas admissions service.

These are the first official application figures for students who will be paying higher tuition fees for the right to obtain a certificate that explicitly states they are no different from the tens of thousands of other university graduates struggling to find meaningful employment.

A spokeswomen for Ucas, Beverley Tripe, said it was too early to jump to the right conclusion.

She told us, 'It would be very easy to imply that the fall in the number of applicants to university is simply due to a rise in the cost of tuition fee's prohibiting families with financial difficulties from sending their off spring into tertiary education.'

'We however would seek to take a very different angle to that wildly simplistic application of logic.'

'Applications are down purely because universities have not diversified their range of degree's to suit the job market in its current form.'

'For example, we are yet to see a course offering in retail upholstery replenishment, shelf stacking in lay mans terms.'

Would-be university goer, Trevor Buck, countered Ucas' claims that they weren't offering a wide enough range of ways of blowing his parents legacy.

'There are bundles of courses in Media Studies where I could acquire a quaification as fruitless as the 'retail upholstery replenishment' suggested.'

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