Written by IainB
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Monday, 24 October 2011

image for The Mysterious Jelly Is Back
The mysterious jelly is back

Cumbrians have been left with a mammoth clean up operation as The Mysterious Jelly returns, this time to the hills around Cumbria.

"Two years ago," said lead scientist, Theo Rea, "we investigated the blobs that struck Scotland. At the time we had no idea what caused them to appear. This time, we have a greater array of tools at our disposal, such as PCT, XLM and R8R. However, we still don't know what it is."

Theories proposed the last time the jelly appeared ranged from deer semen to meteorological artefacts and aliens.

"We have managed to exclude deer semen," said Rea. "It's not rutting season. In fact, we've managed to exclude all animal semen, frog spawn and plant waste as it is the wrong time of year for all of these."

The jelly is vaguely translucent, decomposes quickly and leaves an acrid stench.

"It's not poisonous," said Rea. "I ate some. It tasted vaguely of peppermint, but I'm not sure how that helps as it is clearly not a soft mint."

With all traditional scientific approaches failing to explain away the mysterious jelly, scientists are turning to folk law.

"We're investigating if it is ectoplasm, the Devil's spit or dead aliens," said Rea. "We think we can rule the first two out as being utter bollocks, and the third seems largely far-fetched too. We do know that if you put it into a jar and shake the jar it makes the jelly wobble. We also know that if you stand on it, it makes a squishy noise."

Scientists have fed rats an exclusive diet of the jelly, and discovered that it has no nutritional content.

"All the rats died of starvation," admitted Rea. "I can tell you that it is carbon based, has a refractive index of twelve point three, gives off ammonia when heated to three hundred degrees Celsius at four atmospheric pressures and can be cut with a spoon."

Beyond that, modern science is at a loss to explain the jelly, or how it confers telepathy on those that eat it.

"I heard that," said Rea.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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