England's woeful Rugby flops were celebrating last night after defeating reigning champions Australia at the World Dwarf Throwing Championship in Adelaide.
After failing to progress beyond the Rugby World Cup quarter finals the England team were determined not to fail again.They put on a show of strength and unity to clinch the final on the very last throw. Manager Martin Johnson said " I'm proud of the lads not only did they manage to drink themselves silly but they flung those midgets in style and with outstanding technique."
With the scores level at 7 midgets apiece the pressure was on last thrower Mike Tindall to deliver. And deliver he did, inventing a new throwing technique in the process that did not involve the use of his hands. All the previous players had thrown the dwarfs by the tried and tested Russian Hammer method, the player holding the dwarf by either the arms or legs then swinging them round and round with increasing velocity before releasing them.
But Tindall eschewed the traditional method with a novel approach. Placing his smooth bald head in between the bosoms of a blond, busty female dwarf he raised her up above his head and spun round a number of times before flinging her off and away with one massive, reverse head-butt.
Not only did she clear the pub's grounds but managed to fly into the ocean. As the players celebrated Manu Tuilagi immediately raced after the Dwarf and jumped into the ocean as well. Martin Johnson added "At first we thought Manu had leaped in to save her then we realized he'd just gone for a swim." The female dwarf was later plucked to safety after emergency services had sobered up after a long night drinking.
The Australian's led by Quade Cooper immediately lodged a complaint, after they had initiated a thirty man brawl that totally wrecked the whole place. Quade grunted " Those pommie bastards have cheated us. We saw them switching Dwarfs before that bald bastard (Tindall) came on." Despite the allegations of Dwarf tampering the officials have awarded the trophy, a life-size bronze cast of a Dwarf to a jubilant and after 27 pints each, vomit drenched, England team.
Quade Cooper summed up the Australian mood by saying " We're pissed. And pissed off! I mean I was throwing baby dwarfs since the age of six man. I used baby Abo's as boomerangs. It's in my blood man. I'm really gutted." Quade then spewed up a veritable waterfall of vomit and passed out.
At last the true England have emerged and by throwing a DD dwarf into the ocean they may just have recaptured the hearts and minds of the nations supporters.