London - A horrid GlibDem scam to allow Catholics back into the royal fold tonight sees HM vowing to swallow arsenic rather than bow to the latest Popish bollox from Brussels.
Just after sunset a mystery comet from the Papal Bull Shit galaxy was seen circling above Buckingham Palace ahead of Thursday's apocalyptic Sun/Saturn conjunction.
Its transit above the royal composting lavatory block is a grim reminder of the October 13 1917 Fatima prophecy by a Woman Clothed In The Sun And The Stars that one day soon she'll out all the KGB paedos in the Vatican. (You sure? - Ed)
A seance just before midnight in the Von Battenburg/Ribbentrop Casino deep in the Palace bowels saw the ghost of Henry VIII jump up out of the ether and grab stupid Prince Charles by the scrotum before giving him a right royal shake.
Queenie screamed and fled for the Panic Room as 'treacherous Popish scum' was heard bellowing all the way down the corridor to the S&M dungeons last used by the Obamas for their 'second honeymoon' during May's state visit.
Keeper of the Poisoned Chalice Lord Luce-Cannon remains on standby as Hellfire Club seers predict an imminent royal RIP.